It is my last week of summer break with my boys before they head back to school (2nd grade and Kindergarten.. how did that happen??). I will be in the hospital most of next week, probably coming home Friday, then they start school ridiculously early the next Monday. This summer flew by at warp speed and I just can't believe it's over. I am sure I have some pregnancy hormones to help blame for this tidal wave of emotions but WAAHHHHHH! I don't WANT school to start! I don't wanna go back!! Of course not every day is perfect and some days they drive me absolutely up-the-wall-nuts, but I LOVE having them around. I love seeing them all day every day. I love spending time with them. I am SO not ready for the dreaded 'S' word to start. (Don't worry teachers.. I don't let my kids in on the secret that I absolutely hate school starting. For all they know they think I'm actually excited about buying new folders and pencils instead of fighting back the tears as I toss them into the cart..) :) We are trying to have the most fun week around here complete with swimming, fair time, demolition derby, and fishing, but it is still a weight hanging around my shoulders.
I'm also conflicted on how to feel this final week because while this is my last week of having this baby in my tummy, is it the last week of having any baby in my tummy.. ever? I'm not sure if this is my last pregnancy or not. I'm not sure if every kick I feel is the last one I'll ever feel or if they'll be another one down the road? I know in a lot of people's minds having 4 kids is crazy so having 5 is certifiably insane, but I just haven't felt that emotion yet of "we're DONE" like so many people say they do. To complicate things I have to have c-sections so being able to have a 5th child kindof all depends on what things look like on the inside, which we obviously won't know until next week. The not knowing drives me a little crazy. Should I be thankful for every last bit of uncomfortableness I feel this last week because it's my last? Or should I woefully endure it, waiting in anticipation for it to just be over, knowing I'll be doing it again in a few years?
I have no idea what life is going to be like for us next week. I am excited and scared and totally unprepared. While I did go a little freezer-meal crazy-lady last week (I may have over 50 meals in my deep-freeze. I'm obviously a little nervous about not being able to do anything for months after the baby comes..) I have virtually nothing else ready (except for a few onesies I finally washed and have been out on my clothes line for 3 days because they keep getting rained on..) I could be in denial that summer is actually ending. I could be postponing the inevitable of cramming our living room with a pac-n-play, swing, bouncer, boppy, more diapers, blankets, and baby toys. I could be avoiding the fear that comes with the recovery of c-section (and an Ella to go with it..) Or I could just be a natural procrastinator who is too exhausted to do much of anything at this point. Whatever it is, this week will come and go just like all the others so quickly do, so I will try my hardest to make the absolute best of all these lasts, and all the unknowns, in anticipation that there are surely many exciting firsts to come as well.