Dear Mom, let's chat

Dear Mom,

We need to have a little chat..

I know you're frustrated that I am basically refusing to do any and all of my sign language.
Especially "more" and "all done" at meal times.
You know I can.
I know I can.
It's just that.. well... I don't want to.
I feel like, as my mother, the woman who brought me into this world and has shared nearly every waking moment with me for the past 19 months.. I feel like you should understand me well enough to just know what I want.
When I want it. How I want it.
It's not that I want you to read my mind..
It's just.. well, yes.. yes actually I do. That's exactly what I want.
I want you to read my mind.
Is that really too much to ask?

Yes? Well, then.. let me remind you of all the times you've walked through doorways and misjudged the distance between my head and the wall. Or the times you took your eyes off of me for what you say was only a second, leaving only the hard wood floor to catch my fall. What about the time you insisted on taking me along to swimming lessons in 110 degree heat and I refused to sit in the water to help me cool off and my face turned beet red because I was overheating? Or all the times you've had the audacity to let me CRY for more than 3 seconds, causing me severe gas pain?

Must I go on??

I didn't think so...

BUT because I am the amazing daughter I am, I thought I would put together a small tutorial to help you better decipher my wants and needs.

You're welcome.

Before we can begin a meal and even think about signs, I need a comfortable sitting position.

It could look like this.

Or this.

Either works.. But please, PLEASE leave that restricting tray off. I know you like to put food on it for some unknown reason. Or so I can learn to feed myself I guess.. but it my opinion it would work just as well for you to feed me with your own hand, leaving me not only more time to wiggle, but also more room to wiggle. And isn't that why you want me to sign? To hear my opinion? I thought so.
Thanks in advance..

WHAT THE.... Did you seriously NOT just hear me about the tray??

Anyways.. some signs (hee hee.. see what I did there.. get it?? "signs"?) that I might be done include (but are not limited to..)
Clearly getting more food on my face (and neck) than in my mouth..

Spitting my noodle out onto my arm.

Looking at my hands like I might want to move them back and forth, (which you say means 'all done') but not actually doing it..

Looking at you with a blank stare like I have no clue what you're saying. (The truth? I do.. hee hee)

AHEM! Are you still with me?

Good.
Moving on.. some 'signs' (HA! It never gets old..) that I might want more to eat include (but are not limited to)
Banging my tray with wild abandon

Smiling sweetly at you

Or crying.. both seem to work quite well

And looking at you with a blank stare like I have no clue what you're saying. (The truth? I do again.. hee hee)

I will warn you, that if you do not decipher these "signs" in a timely manner you will be greeted with THIS FACE, which means
"Look lady.. I'm NOT gonna do it. Not now. Maybe not ever... Just get. me. outta here."

Wait.. What do you mean this is more complicated??

It's easy.. I promise.
This face means I threw my fork off the side of my tray
(WHY... is there STILL a tray?)

This face means my Applelax (applesauce + Miralax for you amateurs) might be starting to kick in

And this face means..

Ahhh... nevermind..
All you REALLY need to do during the day is get more of these faces

And less of these..

Capiche?

and THE TRAY!! Seriously!!! What. doesn't. this. woman. understand. about. this??

Oye... She's never going to get it, is she?