Wednesday, September 12, 2012

All I wanted..

was to scrub the kitchen floor. That's it. It hadn't been done for a few weeks, months awhile. and that's all I wanted to do yesterday. The cleaning gods don't shine upon me often, so I know when a sudden and unexplainable ambition to deep clean, or heck.. clean at all hits me, I better take that offer or it might be a few weeksmonths awhile before it comes again..

The day was going fairly smoothly. Ella started to get a little crabby mid-morning so my plan (ha! there's the problem..) was to get her down for a nap, then have Charlie help me scrub the floor. I thought we could make it fun and possibly get something done at the same time-a win-win! It took longer than I anticipated to get Ella down for a nap and by the time I laid her down it was almost lunch time. And I had 2 loads of wet laundry that needed to be hung on the clothesline. And the bunny hadn't been fed. And Charlie hadn't gotten any special attention. *sigh..

So I decided we would tackle those things first. I would get Charlie lunch and off to a rest and my plan (ah~ there it is again..) was for Ella to sleep this whole time, through the afternoon, allowing me to get the kitchen floor scrubbed.

Uh huh...

Except when we came in the house 10 minutes later, Ella was already awake. Bright eyed and bushy tailed.. Ready for lunch and more than ready to play for few more hours. I wanted to cry.

My first reaction was anger. Oh I know you can't really be angry at a 1 year old, but the frustration was definitely setting in. My house is a mess and I have begun to realize that I have been in a vicious cycle of not getting anything done around here. Ella can be pretty *ahem clingy. So basically the only thing I can do all morning is either A. haul her around like a sack of 'taters on my hip, including but not limited to, her hanging upside down, sideways, and grabbing her toes from every angle, B. lay on the floor next to her and hold steady her push toy for hours on end so she doesn't face-plant it into the rug, or C. attempt to get up for a brief moment to *gasp! use the bathroom, only to listen to her cry and throw a fit full of soon-to-come gassy goodness.. So needless to say, all morning I lay here next to her, seeing the millions of things I should be doing/cleaning/making/picking up and think to myself "I'll do it when she takes a nap." Except then I lay her down for a nap and I realize that doing most of those things will wake her up. ie. vacuuming, hanging a picture, putting her clothes away, dropping a pin... And so I accomplish seemingly nothing during nap time, thinking "I'll be able to do those things when she wakes up." Annnnnd we go round and round...

So today, I really wanted to make an effort to overcome that vicious cycle... And when it didn't work out? I wanted to be angry. I wanted to sulk about how my "plans" were ruined.. I just wanted to scrub that darn floor!!

But when I looked up from my pity party, this is what I saw


A little girl who loves and adores me. Who wants to spend every moment with me merely because of who I am, her Mommy, not because of what I did or didn't get done that day. Right then and there I made the conscious decision to enjoy this afternoon, even if it didn't go the way I planned. Even if I wasn't happy about it. Even if the kitchen floor was still dirty.

And I did my best to focus to what I did do that day instead of the hundreds of millions of things I felt like I didn't do. And I forced myself to realize that no matter how small the things I did do, they mattered.

Fed my children breakfast? It mattered. 
Drove Nolan to school so he could sleep an extra hour? It mattered.
Washed and hung out 2 loads of laundry that will be dirty again tomorrow? It mattered.
Helped Charlie feed Mr. Fluffernutter (our bunny)? It mattered.
Pushed him on the swing (Charlie.. not Mr. Fluffernutter)? It mattered.
Kissed an owie to make it feel better? It mattered.
Rocked Ella to sleep? It mattered.
Made sure she got her medicine? It mattered.
Pushed her hippo toy across the living room five thousand times to help her learn to walk? It mattered.
Babbled back to her when she made noise to encourage speech? It mattered.
Took the (sometimes discouraging) time to enforce her signs? It mattered.
Frosted a cake for the School Carnival? It mattered.


Honestly? It was still hard to focus on those things. It took very intentional effort. But I'm glad I did. Because Ella and I had a great time playing and you know what? My husband ended up coming home from work early and took Charlie out to "help" him move his tree stand, Ella took another nap soon after, and I DID get that floor and cabinets scrubbed (I'm talking old toothbrush in the crevices scrubbed..) AND the fridge. (THANK YOU cleaning gods!!!!)


Today's society puts such pressure on mothers to to perform to a certain standard. We're supposed to have weekly date nights with our husbands, scheduled girls nights out, work out 3x a week and fit back into our "skinny" jeans immediately after giving birth.. We're supposed to be our children's best advocates (which is further exemplified when you have a child with a rare genetic syndrome in which you often know more than your doctors about..), research the side effects of vaccines and determine the best route for our individual families, feed our children fresh, organic meals, grow and can our own vegetables, sew homemade garments, use eco-friendly cloth diapers, have picture-perfect Pinterest worlds..

When in reality sometimes you stay in your pajamas all day and eat cereal for supper. Some days are just like that.

And even on those days, especially on those days, when you don't think anything you did mattered?

It did. 

As for me? I'm about to side step my way through the minefield of toys strewn across our house to enjoy my sparkly clean kitchen floor. Because I'm sure it won't last the day... *

*editor's note: I was right. Clean floor is gone. Post to follow...

15 comments:

  1. There is a lot of pressure to have the perfect house, kids, and life while find time for ourselves. It's hard, exhausting, frustrating and yet the best thing ever.
    Glad you got to clean your floor (I'm still working on cleaning the oven.... it's only been 3 months.... if not longer)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a self cleaning oven and i don't think I've ever even cleaned it.. that's bad

      Delete
  2. I feel like I could have written this post. EXACTLY. Except I don't have any older kids so you are totally my hero for doing all that you do!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I'm sure you could have written it BETTER but that's besides the point... :)

      Delete
  3. This is especially true for mom's who stay at home. The judgement on stay-at-home mom's is that since you have all this "free" time you SHOULD have a spotless house, adorable handmade garments for your children and basically everything a Martha Stewart home would have. I am so thankful that you post beautifully written "reality" checks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I know.. people don't always understand that because you ARE home you spend those extra hours making even more of a mess then having even less time to clean it up! But I wouldn't trade it for the world.. :)

      Delete
  4. So true! This hit home right now. It also reminded me of what I used to tell myself and had forgotten about: Whenever I feel stressed out about the things that aren't getting done because of motherhood, I remind myself that this IS what I'm supposed to be doing... mothering.

    Your little girl is so precious. And by the way, my little Grayson is sort of like this since hitting the 1s too! Maybe it's a phase?? So glad you linked up, friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know.. it really taken intentional effort some days to remember that, doesn't it? It doesn't always come naturally.. and that's okay. It's not supposed to be easy. :) And yes I hope this is a phase! I'm thinking/hoping/praying that when she learns to walk (someday!) our lives will change dramatically.. although I'm sure that will open up a whole new can of worms....

      Delete
  5. Perfect timing--last night my 2-year old spilled the pencil sharpener shavings on the kitchen floor and she and my 4-year old tried to sweep them up before I returned from the basement. Nice thought, but it ended up smearing graphite all over that half of the kitchen with little gray footprints all over the rest of the kitchen. I just let them finish cleaning it up, but in my frustration I kept thinking, "And I JUST scrubbed the kitchen floor!" "JUST" for me was over 2 weeks ago . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I HAD to--we had just canned tomato juice and the kids were sticking to the floor . . .

      Delete
  6. How COULD you say no to that sweet face?! I swear--that is the BEST/WORST age--they are so stinkin' cute, but so stinkin' demanding! And they are just starting the phase where they desperately try to harm themselves and/or others, so it's exhausting--you are doing it QUITE well I must say! This reminds me of an e-card I read that said, "Trying to clean your house when you have kids is like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreos!" How true is THAT?! Thanks for the laughs and the encouragement--I got the chills reading "...it mattered..." because we really lose sight of the fact that the little things DO indeed matter. And before you know it that little face is going to be all eyeball rolling and sass-talking (not YOUR beautiful baby--this is meant for the general public...), so why shouldn't you spend most of your time enjoying it?! My kids are all in school now and my house is STILL trashed. My computer needs me to spend some quality time with IT though...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! Stop! You ALWAYS make me wake her up by laughing so hard at your comments and posts! Don't you realize the only time I spend at the computer is when I'm trying to get her to sleep?? (and I'm so glad that eyeball rolling and sass talking comment was meant for the general public..)

      Delete
  7. Oh I know that clingy one-year-old feeling. I live in this same vicious cycle of "I'll do it at naptime" damn that naptime. Nothing ever actually gets done! This is agar post of reflection and something for all of us mamas to think about. Thanks for sharing, friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so welcome! I don't usually think nap times are meant for cleaning, but desperate times call for desperate measures...

      Delete