I have been sensing something the past few weeks. Little reminders that have popped into my head every so often. Nothing huge. Nothing alarming. Just little thoughts and somewhat dimly lit memories fading in and out.
A pink checkered blanket that I recently pulled out for these cool fall nights.. the same one I once clutched to my chest when I thought I had just held my daughter for the last time.
The sight and sounds of witnessing a helicopter touch ground.. reminding me of when I viewed that from the inside looking out.
A commercial for the CMA's.. which for some reason I vividly remember watching by myself in a corner of our PICU room.
A link posted on Facebook of the funniest auto corrects from 2012.. a list similar to the one I remember sitting up late at night giggling over in 2011. (I'm sure our nurses all wondered what in the world could be so funny to hear late night hysterics coming from a PICU room.)
The fall wreath I hung on our front door.. the same one I made to help pass the time while Ella was on the ventilator, and which I actually left the hospital room for the first time to go buy the fabric for.
Parent/Teacher Conferences that we attended for Charlie's Kindergarten.. the ones I remember missing during Nolan's year of Kindergarten since we were a little busy.. you know.. fighting for our daughter's life.
The signs have been all around me, reminding me of the passing time. It's now been 2 years since Ella was sick. So so sick. Like most memories, in some ways I can remember certain details like it was yesterday, but in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago. (Here's last year's post if you want to be reminded)
I missed the exact date of Ella's 2 year anniversary. But that's okay. I'm finding I don't need to dwell on our past and be continually haunted by those memories. Right now I'm too busy living life. Too busy being thankful. Thankful to be home every night with my family. Thankful to be able to tuck each of our kids into their warm, safe beds. Thankful for the smell of banana bread baking in the oven. For hot coffee and warm blankets. Thankful for a little girl who is blossoming before my very eyes, doing amazing things and surprising us every day.
Just the other night as I sat down on the couch after a long day I looked over and saw Ella sitting on her little rocking horse, slowly rocking. Back.. and forth. Back.. and forth. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes. I had never seen her get on it by herself before, never seen her rock without holding my hand. And as I watched her I became lost in the moment, in the methodical rocking of back.. and forth. And I was amazed. Amazed at how far she has come. Amazed at how close we came to losing her. Amazed at how different our lives would be without her.
Two years. I am amazed. And so very thankful.